Your light is what makes you, YOU. Whether it’s your laugh, your kindness, YOUR WEAKNESS (emphasis on weakness because your weakness is beautiful and only people who love you for you, will never use it against you), your spontaneity, your passion, your drive, and your presence as a whole. Don’t be ashamed of it. Does it get you into dumb situations? Yep, probably. Do you wish that you had said no? Hell yeah. Do you regret some things or would you do them differently, even though it would go against who you are as a person? No, you shouldn’t, ever. My kindness and my impulsiveness especially, got me into many stupid, sticky situations.
I am such an impulsive person, not a bad one, like drinking and smoking and stuff. It’s more like a fun and ‘don’t really think about what you do no matter how much shit it can get you in, live in the moment’ type of impulsiveness. It’s fun (and dangerous, sometimes). I admire it whenever I see someone with the same trait. BUT, this trait honestly did get me into so many stupid situations that often messed me up emotionally afterwards because I never took the time to consider my feelings and myself.
So I took advice from a few people who basically said that I had to learn not to be like that, that it’s unhealthy. They were right, it was unhealthy, and those people only told me that because they cared and had witnessed how much shit it previously got me in. I listened, I always do when someone tells me about myself, which doesn’t happen often. I kind of wish it did though because it would definitely speed up the self-improvement process (that will probably last a life time).
Any way, I took this advice way too literal and stopped myself from doing any thing impulsive, even things that would be considered as fun. Because, whenever I am upset, or have a lot going on, that’s when I seem to act on it. It helps to take my mind off everything. I wanted to get over things on my own this time, I didn’t want to rely on those impulsive actions/decisions to make me feel better, so I did. It worked for a while, until it began to feel wrong.
It’s like I wired my brain to become someone else. I made myself believe that the impulsive side was a bad thing and that without it; I would be able to deal with things easier. Ever since I told myself that it was wrong to do certain things out of impulse, I’ve ended up using more of the logical side of my brain. I can’t stand the over thinking and the boringness (is that even a word?). It’s like there always has to be an explanation for things and a reason why you should or should not be doing something, whereas normally, it wouldn’t matter. I would just do it. How do you guys do it? Logic is good but there has to be some kind of balance (note to self).
Reflecting back on it all, I was able to see that I loved that part of me. Although I ended up putting myself through the toughest moments, it was also the reason why I experienced the BEST moments of my life so far. The moments when you don’t think about what you’re doing and you just live without a care in the world (Is it obvious that I’m an air sign yet?). I wouldn’t change any of it. And actually, that’s how I dealt with things. It worked. It also inspired me, brought out my creative side a lot more and allowed me to emotionally shut myself off from a situation for a while, which is always a good thing when you are too involved to the point where you can’t think straight. I must sound like I’m addicted to smoking weed. I am not.
Now, I feel like I have lost myself a little bit and struggling to find my way back. My light has gone. I feel like there is nothing that makes me, ME anymore. But I also know that there’s a reason why I am experiencing this, not sure what that is exactly but hey, we will find out soon enough.
So I suppose the point of this, is to show you that there might be parts of you that you aren’t 100% sure about. You might think that they are bad things and you might not want anything to do with them because they always get you in silly situations: You could be the most generous person who always buys cute little gifts for people but have it thrown in your face. You could be so kind that people take advantage of you. You could be spontaneous and make crazy decisions based on the way you feel (like me) that also puts you in a bit of a mess. You could be crazily physcic but don’t know how to deal with it. What ever it is, do not change. Find the balance, find a different way, but NEVER stop yourself from doing what your heart tells you to do, especially if you want to do it.
When you stop your soul from doing something that it wants to do, you are ignoring it. When you ignore it over and over again, it becomes quiet. When it becomes quiet, you may not hear it anymore. When you cannot hear the voice within you, you begin to lose yourself. Your light dims because you’ve put it out so many times by telling it it’s not worthy enough to be listened to.
Look at it like this…
Imagine constantly telling a child to stop doing something that they love, or to stop acting a certain way. Eventually, they won’t want to do it anymore because they’ve been taught not to. They’ve been taught that’s it’s wrong, that it’s annoying, or that no one likes it. They might even grow up feeling lost and not knowing what they want to do because no one ever acknowledged their true interest and passion from the start, which they end up forgetting about and may never remember again. Like, when you tell a child to stop crying, crying is for babies, strong children don’t cry. That child will grow up thinking that crying is wrong. It will shut off its caring and emotional side (that was beautiful to begin with), it becomes this heartless, egotistic person that will look down on anyone that cries because, to them, it is seen as weak.
Imagine yourself as a child; let yourself do anything it wants to do. Don’t let that child be you. Don’t tell yourself it’s wrong to act a certain way; don’t tell yourself it’s wrong for being who you are! Look back on a time where you were your happiest, and discover why. Become that happy person again, who never used to care about anything as much. Ask people around you what they love about you and what they see when they look at you. Whatever that is, that is your light. That is your vibe. BE THAT PERSON. Honor that person. Love the child within you.